Updated: Oct 5, 2020
I’m so tired of myself right now! We are 30 days plus into the New Year and I am just getting my shit together. To start 2020 off right, I did a beautiful 21 day Meditation series on abundant thinking. I felt great for a nano-second and then I fell back into the doldrums again. I have to admit - this is getting old!
Just before Christmas we had some family drama go down. It’s the type of thing that could easily have been a bad country song or an after school special. When events like this happen, I like to break it down so I can see some small measurements of my growth. Did I react? Was there tears, drama, screaming? If there was a reaction - how long did it take to calm down and let it pass? I possess the tools to assess the small measurements that show where there has been growth on my part. After two decades of therapy, dozens of books and countless hours with mentors, I’m grateful I kept the drama at bay.
The incident went down while I was away on a “girl’s weekend”. I received a late night text that gave me the jyst of what had happened. What is miraculous is that I wasn’t terribly surprised. We could be on Jerry Springer or Dr. Phil. I digress..... I remained calm, all things considered, and kept saying in my mind “not my circus, not my monkeys”. However, those monkeys are my family. One would think I’d be more affected. Although I wasn’t reactive, in hindsight, I went a bit numb and felt helpless. I kept thinking I just needed to reflect and process this shiz.
Why am I writing about this you may ask? Because in the process of this, where a normal family would gather around, muster up support and create a plan....I was dumbfounded and conflicted. My head said “rally....go help!”, but my brain and heart knew that anything I did would end up not being enough. My family’s anger would be bestowed on me like gifts on Christmas morning whether I showed up or not. That has been the pattern for the last 15 years. I had to remind myself about the definition of insanity - doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.
Twenty-four hours after I heard this disturbing news, I needed some guidance.. I needed answers as to why I was frozen on the spot. I had a conversation with my mentor and she suggested a word I hadn’t considered. The word I know that really resonates with me is “disqualified”. No matter how much I have loved, forgiven and sought to hear others out, I have experienced being disqualified over and over again. You’re out! Pack your bags, you lose! We aren’t picking up what you’re laying down.
I am loving, forgiving, and nurturing. It’s my jam! I live a very heart centred life with intention. So what’s the bigger lesson here? Am I honing the tools I need to help others navigate the same family dynamics? Am I supposed to help others create a life for themselves that doesn’t include giving into the societal norms and family pressures. Can we stop throwing gas on the dysfunctional fire? Is that it? Is it to stop the generational madness?
What I’ve come to learn about being “disqualified” is that there is nothing you can do to stop it. The rules constantly change so you don’t stand a chance. The governing bodies (in this case my family), can change their expectations on a whim and at their discretion, How can you even take part within those guidelines? If you feel in your heart that you have done everything with honour and you are told that “won’t do” over and over again. So... I have taken myself out of the game. It’s never a simple decision to turn your back on family, but self preservation is also important. As sad as that can be, I find myself blessed to be surrounded by people I love. People that “see” me in my perfection (and imperfection) and love and support me unconditionally either way. I don’t have to morph into a version of myself that suits their dysfunction.
Perhaps this results from the vow I made twenty-seven years ago while standing outside my baby daughter’s nursery door...it was super poignant and went something like this “this shit stops with me!”
Three decades later, I am finding peace in the madness.
A bit of a slow and rocky start into 2020. I thought I would be leaping and jumping into thing’s head first, but I have found myself mourning and having to dig deep to get centred and move on.
The upside is that I am. I am pushing through. I do see some light and I am once again excited for the future. At the end of the day, the only person who can truly disqualify you is YOU! And though I’ve sat in that space and beat myself up for a while now, I’m deciding to move past it.